You don't specify how old your child its, but you refer to him as a toddler... you can't reason a toddler into good behavior. I know they are exhausting and frustrating, but giving into those feelings and ignoring or rewarding tantrums won't help. Every interaction, everything you teach him now will have repurcussions in the future. Expecting/teaching good behavior only gets harder from here on out.
Figure out the top 3 things that need to change in order to help you feel like you are managing your life. Come up with ideas to make those changes happen. Then hire a babysitter or wait until your son is sleeping and have a conversation with your wife. Come to an agreement on how you are going to handle poor behavior, how you will support each other, what you need from each other.
Realize that you have an obligation to do what is best for your son- not what is easiest for you.
You don't have the right to check out. You took on the responsibility of a child, and there are no do-overs. Even if your wife doesn't want to help and you end up doing it by yourself- it's still your responsiblity. Fair or not.
The good news is that you absolutely can do this. You have to- your child is counting on you.